What has happened to our Men?

In the Tantric scene the battle cry often heard from women fresh of the latest Goddess retreat is – “where are all the Men!” – implying that there is a lack of “conscious men” out there.

Well, I don’t believe it to be true – I see the men and can say they are there, and they are showing up – but in today’s dynamically changing and complex cultural landscapes they are often going through a crisis of identity and feeling lost.

While the collective suffering of women is much highlighted these days, it is less fashionable to speak about the suffering of men, it remains more hidden. It’s not a small problem – globally the suicide rates for men are twice as many as for women. To indulge in an over-simplification: suicide happens when we stop receiving or being able to take in the message that we are loved and valuable. This occurs right the way through our being – when the cells of our body stop receiving the message to continue from other cells around them, they die. It is a problem of self worth…

2 World Wars and countless other wars left whole generations of boys growing up without their fathers. There is a gap in the father and healthy masculine role models.

And whilst movies and sitcoms from the 90’s and into the noughties, often showed empowering and intelligent roles for women, men were reduced to the dumb comic relief – good for a few eye roles at their outdated and dopey views on the world. The male role models became macho images of comic-book super heroes, and 1 good man against the world, this gave childish and simplistic caricatures of men – as we refuse, or didn’t know how, to grow up.

Plus, in a rising tide against the old ways of patriarchy, many boys were left with the impression that to be a man was to be toxic, an abuser, and essentially the ‘problem’ with the world.

That message goes in deep – consciously and unconsciously – those who were sensitive denied their masculinity and allowed themselves to be castrated into inoffensive (and ineffectual) eunuchs of the new age. Shame is a powerful emotion, and especially so when it’s regarding the essence of one’s being.

Integrating the Masculine and Feminine

In Tantra, all sexes contain the both energies of masculine and feminine, and to integrate these is the process of alchemy and transcendence itself. In developmental systems there is a journey to deepen by integrating polarities through various stages of development. These stages pulsate between seemingly different polarities as they unfold, each time finding a new level of integration.

There is a movement between the needs of the individual and the needs of the collective, between the qualities of the masculine and those of the feminine. Each new stages emerges from a recognition of the problems of the last stage and a swing to the other opposite side occurs to find some balance that. Ultimately the swings become less extreme and a crystallization, that transcends and includes all of the previous stages and polarities, occurs.

Like, REALLY Integrating…

Much of the new age spiritual movement emerged in the 60s with the rise of postmodernism. Postmodernism is the cultural stage that saw the problems with the modern world – the capitalist systems, the inequality, the individualism – and emerged out of that as a new stage of consciousness as a response to those.

One post-modern (new age) idea is that “before us, there was the patriarchy, and now we are liberating ourselves into a the new paradigm” – hurray!

However, it is overly simplistic and fails to recognize that we are standing on the shoulders of all the work, and all struggle of those who came before us in the evolutionary journey – rather it prefers to criticism previous stages from an entitled and luxurious position.

Developmental systems such as Spiral Dynamics recognize 5 previous stages before post-modernism. All of these are still alive on the planet and will be, because you can’t skip a stage and we all arrive at on this planet at stage 1 as a newborn.

Post- modernism, and the new age spirituality that was born out of it isn’t this place of crystallization yet, it the last of the stage in what is known as the 1st Tier (where the underlying motivation is fear in different forms), before a quantum leap occurs to a 2nd tier set of stages where the main motivation is love. Actually this is the new paradigm (not post-modernism) and that leap to 2nd tier is a huge shift in consciousness!

Although the postmodern stage is the most developed of all the 1st Tier, it is still involved in the cultural wars between the stages, and hasn’t found a way to integrate them. There is a belief that the other stages are the problem, there is the 99% and the 1% – if we can just get rid of the 1% then we will be in paradise… And so the culture wars continue and nobody really hears or understands those in different cultural stages – through social media and echo bubbles those wars have been fueled even further, to the point of extreme polarization which we are seeing on the planet today. Everybody believes that they are right!

The ability to recognize and include the needs and perspectives of other cultural stages is love itself, and this really starts in motion at the Integral level – which, if authentic, starts to integrate all of the previous stages – each stages has healthy and unhealthy qualities – and the practice is to incorporate the healthy aspects. This is an ongoing journey to be lived and embodied, not just cognitively understood.

While the healthy aspect of the new-age for men was the integration of their feminine aspects, one of the unhealthy aspects was the toxic image that was created around masculinity, and especially male sexuality.

To re-honor the mature and healthy versions of the masculine is vital in helping us all expand to the point where we don’t just fuel the cultural wars, complaining about what is wrong with the world, but start to take responsibility in finding solutions.

Integrating Male Sexuality

Integration falls over when we repress an essential aspect of our nature. And, repression never gets rid of anything. That energy will, and does find a way out, but no longer directly in the light, but in surreptitious ways, under the table… Think of the stories about celibate priests who end up touching young boys after repressing their sexuality for so many years.

How many men visiting prostitutes, are really just little boys wanting to be loved? Who feel inadequate and unworthy underneath? Who want to have their hearts felt and acknowledged – even if they don’t even realize this or think they deserve it?

So they pay money and their life-force for a cheap substitute – one that looks like it might offer something resembling intimacy. Only to leave feeling more empty and drained, further shamed about their sexuality. Or how many become addicted to a dopamine rush granted through a sterile porn images on a computer screen – as if this was the pinnacle of male sexuality.

This is why things like Shadow Work – which helps us re-incorporate essential aspects of ourselves back into our being and ownership – is so important for men (and well for everybody..). And the healthy incorporation of male sexuality is so important.

Men’s Groups

There is a deep need in both male and female bodies to for this adult masculinity to be honored and nourished. Not through methods of shaming, or by self-aggrandizing gurus selling their brand, but by those who are willing to listen to the pain that men have also been going through.

What heals and helps align men, is gathering with other men – to be vulnerable and recognize the same challenges, insecurities and masks that they collectively wear to the world, and to face their pain together. They realize they are not alone,  and can soften into their emotions and feminine aspects, which is normally a much more vulnerable place in men.

Men’s groups and men’s work is now vital to help grow from immature versions of masculine traits such as competition, through a recognition of ourselves in the other, into the formation of the brotherhood – to see we are all in it together. And perhaps even into the transformation of competition (wanting to bring the other down so we can win) into healthy challenge (encouraging others in order to raise them up).

The growth of the masculine goes hand in hand with the growth of the feminine. I don’t believe that the highest calling of masculine potential is to simply shut up and listen to the demands of an indulgent and immature feminine (often called ‘holding space’) – while they cycle through endless drama, instead of calling in their inner masculine. The bowing down of the masculine to the feminine is to the higher aspects of mature and integrated feminine, represented on the outside and inside – not the lowest forms! Just as the surrender of the feminine is not to the lower aspects of the masculine but to call forth their higher aspects. It’s an important distinction to be made – and it’s important that we don’t abuse developmental work by simply calling it out in others – it’s purpose is to take responsibility for ourselves not as a way to unhelpfully criticize a partner.

Dangers of Stereotypes

In tantra these highest aspects are represented by the archetypes of Gods and Goddesses, or to call forth our Kings and Queens. These representations are tools to help us embody aspects of the cosmos. The a shadow-side of postmodernism is narcissism, so there can be a danger using these unwisely in this stage.

That danger is when these archetypes become hijacked by the ego mask to create a false persona, rather than a fluid incorporation of the multiple aspects of existence. Archetypes as part of a false and rigid persona actually becomes a barrier to growth and development. Instead of a traditional 50s meme of what it means to be a “Good Housewife” we now have postmodern memes telling us what it is to be a “Conscious Man” with some good looking long-haired model and tribal tattoos as the example.. Just another role and just another mask that fails to honor the full range and subtlety of the masculine.

Personally I feel it’s enough to be simply human – flawed and marvelous at the same time. The darker, instinctual aspects and wisdom of the masculine needs to be included as much as the light to remain authentic.

The need for initiation.

So, where can we find this authenticity and rewilding? Sadly western cultures have mostly lost the rites of passage and initiation that helped boys grow up into men. The Elders either weren’t there or became less important in our youth obsessed society. As such, we have uninitiated leaders that are self-serving and immature rather than holding the traits of the healthy integrated masculine (and feminine).

For men rites of passage and initiation are key to move beyond the voices of cultural conditioning and mask wearing. Through initiation, we honor our birth-parents (and the society that we grew up in) but also connect to much wider versions of the mother and father – we realize we are children of the cosmos itself and these essential forces are within it.

In connection to the greater forces of soul and spirit, we can begin to hear faint whispers about our true potential – our gifts, purpose and responsibility.

While humanity now has the capacity to destroy our planet (and is doing so in many way) I believe if we succeed in the collective evolution through this difficult period, then we have the potential to become intelligent and heart-full caretakers of the planet – who are able to recognize the needs and values of all living beings – to include in our identity not just our family, our country, or those who we deem like us but the whole of the living biosphere. It’s going to take those courageous enough, in both male and female bodies, to really do the work of integration and growth to step into that reality. Men coming together with other men to remove the masks they’ve been wearing is a really important first step!